I'm finished acting out...

SO, I know that I've been really inconsistent with the blogging for the past couple of months... but with good reason. Over the past 3 months (yes, it has been 3 months for those of you in-the-know), I've been interviewing ferociously with HRC for an IT Deputy Director position. It was an opportunity that really fell out of the sky and dropped into my lap when I wasn't even looking. The job appealled to me. I've been screwing around and hanging out at my current job and meeting expectations with no real aspirations to move up or change at the immediate moment. So, what the hell, I went for it.

The more I got into the interviewing process, the more I realized that I never ever really wanted something so badly. I really put a lot of heart and soul into the process and really felt like I was "lobbying" for the job. This job has been the topic of conversation in therapy for as long as I've been interviewing.

I knew that technically, I wasn't up to par for it. I had acknowledged that much... but when I'm motivated (or actually give a shit about something), I soak up information like a sponge. So, I tried to sell that aspect of myself: the flexibility and adaptability. (That's probably why I'm a jack of all trades, master of none, as well).

Anyhow, after weeks and weeks of nauseating and emotional waiting I received a phone call today. I was at Subway, of all places. I made it out to the parking lot and called S back. And that's the end of that.

I really appreciated the opportunity to have made it that far (ugh, I sound like I was nominated for an Oscar). It turned out to be an odd emotional experience for me. I was prepared to "not" get the position... I just got these weird vibes over the last two weeks, but they were all assumptions and scenarios that I played out in my head. So, once I received the news, I actually felt like my assumptions were validated, and therefore I felt relieved.

Yeah, I feel sad. Disappointed. It would've been nice. But I'm definitely not beating myself up over this though. And I hate dwelling on the "what if's"... that just seems like such a waste of time. At the end of the day, all things remain the same on my end. I have a good job and a cushy lifestyle.

If I were in the hiring director's shoes, I probably would not have hired me either. There was a lot at stake, it was for a big position, and she needed someone/something solid and proven. She even admitted to me over lunch that she's risk-averse. From a business point of view, it made sense. So I don't blame her or anything.

I'm a crazy wildcard. Its like a box of chocolates, because you never know what you're gonna get ;-) That's part of the fun (and reward) of interacting with me, I suppose. I drive people nuts, and yet I'm a poster-boy all at the same time.

So, I know I can't hang out at my current company forever. I do need something to rise-up to and look forward to doing. After much input from others, I think I might need a smaller company. Maybe something whose sole-focus is not the bottom line.

I honestly don't feel rejected or dejected about not getting the job. I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't hate HRC. I'm really proud of my efforts and did my absolute best. This experience helps to bring me a step closer to figuring out what else I might want to do or what direction I want to take.

Thanks again as well to all of my friends. You guys are the absolute best and you make me feel good about myself. Thanks.