Random Ass News NOT covered by MSM...

Since MSM ("mainstream media" - faithful readers I will use this term a lot in the future...) is sucking at their duties of delivering news other than things related to The Pope's Death Watch and The Schindler/Schaivo dispute over the remains of Terri (sans brain), I've decided to play ANCHORMAN and fill in the rest of the miscellaneous headlines:

Neil Young Recovering From Brain Aneurysm
Pope has a fever and the this rock-n-roll Hall of Famer almost pops a vessel in his brain. I wish I could name a song that he did, but I can't. I was gonna say "Crazy Train", but I think that was Randy Rhodes...

Error Puts Strippers on Public Access TV
Did anyone ever happen to come across that kids show from Brazil called Xuxa (pronounced: shoo-shah). If you've ever seen this show, its pretty fucking funny. The main character Xuxa is kind of like the anti-thesis of Mr. Rogers. She's peppy, hyper, and authoritarian (in a chipper way). In her shows, she can be frequently seen dragging children by the arms around stage and forcing them to sing and dance. She seems to like picking on the mulatto Brazilians, but it could be me. Oh, and she's also posed nude for a number of Brazilian tabloid magazines. There was a funny episode of the Simpsons when they went to Brazil to find Lisa's sponsor-child. Anyhow, Bart was watching a Xuxa-esque show on TV that showed "jiggly dancers" with pom-poms pasted to their breasts and motioning, "clockwise, counter-clockwise..." HILARIOUS

My personal favorite NEWS FROM ZIMBABWE!
So this scumbag "wins" yet again, further plummetting his country into "long-term shithole-dom". Per my last report, only one candidate was missing, and I don't think anyone died from these elections! Otherwise being condemned by most of the world as being fraudulent, the elections were pulled off without a hitch! Now someone just needs to put a bullet in Mugabe... well, I guess that could possibly speed up the plummetting process. Who knows... I'll find another shitbox country to pick on.

All other news of the morning is pretty lame, so I won't bore you with the details. Have a great Saturday!