The Virgin Posting: Why I Feel Betrayed by Audi

So I was up in NYC for the weekend with my partner DH to check out some plays, do a little partying. Great time. Last night we hit the road with a couple of friends and headed back home. I did the driving in my 2000 Audi A6. (if the brand-name dropping sounded pretentious, it wasn't meant to be). We were all cruising home full throttle on I-95 back to DC when all of a sudden the car starts losing power. Lights start dimming. Warning lights go off. I felt like I was in Apollo-fucking-13. So I veer over to the inside shoulder of the highway (we were in buttf**k MD at this point in our journey) and let the car come to a rest. That's where the evening started turning interesting.... this was around 7:00pm, dark, traffic swooshing by. I felt so betrayed by my vehicle. I didn't HATE it, I felt verrrry disappointed and hurt by it. I'll get more into this later.

A state trooper pulled over and was kind enough to call a tow truck for us. It showed up in "tow-truck-time", if you catch my drift. Anyhow, the car was towed to the beautiful rest stop known as Maryland House. The greaser at the Sunoco station pretty much validated that the alternator was blown. So, M calls AAA for our next tow... we are now 80 miles from home. To make a long story short, AAA sends this tow guy, Roy, to take us all the way back to VA. He would tow us to the Audi dealership so I could dump the car off there for repairs (actually what I really wanted to do was to pack the vehicle with C4 and drive it into Audi headquarters, but I digress).

(sidenote: Roy looked like the stereotypical tow-truck guy: fat, greasy, shoulda been lugging around a 6-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. He wore a baseball cap with the confederate flag on it. I don't exactly think that he picked up on the fact that he was going to be driving 4 gay men back to VA. We all got a lovely view of his stinking butt-crack when he had to bend over to hook the hitch up to my car. Nasty... but a nice guy nonetheless).

So by midnight we were at HBL Audi in Tysons where my car is now being fixed. My sister picked us all up, and we drove M & Leaky home. I think I was in bed by 1:30am. This morning I found out that the alternator needs to be replaced. $1200.00. Now let's get into why I feel betrayed by Audi.

I bought the car last January bc I had too many near-death experiences with my miata in the winter time. I acted out of fear when I purchased the car; it provided me with a sense of safety and protection. It instilled me with confidence (it was a fuckin' AUDI, baby!). I do have to say that there is some snobbery involved there. My first foray into the luxury vehicle world. I'm a bad ass. What a fucking let down this year has been.

The Audi is a goddamn MONEY PIT. After this fiasco, I will have shelled out close to $8K in repairs (no, its not under warranty) over the past 14 months. I thought I was buying a beautiful piece of fine German engineering; high quality that lasts a long time. But nooooo..... shit starts going wrong at 40K miles. Waterpump. Timing Belt. New Tires. Some other front end suspension shit. I've lost track now... I even have my own case manager TARA at HBL Audi.

So this is what I have to say to my car.

Audi, I've tried so hard to love you and take care of you. Yet, you fucking suck money out of my wallet like a Hoover. (I wonder if this was how my dad felt when I went to college and grad school?) Why can't you give me back some lovin'? You're a goddamn disappointment. A failure. You're fake and phony. I know its not your fault... its the company's fault for releasing such a piece of shit to sell to the general public. I promise I'll start my campaign against Audi GmBH soon in your name. I don't hate you. I am just really disappointed in you.

I'm really sorry, baby, but I'm going to have to let you go. Its the only way. I give so much of myself to you, yet all you do is bring me grief and misery. Besides, DH hates you. You're already missing a front grill and I think your front bumper is coming off. Thinking about how many repairs have been made to you this past year makes me want to stick my finger down my throat and induce vomiting. Its nice that you're paid off and all... but still, you make me sick.

Hopefully some other wannabe noveau-riche dumbass will give you a home and maybe you won't be as much of a problem. But I doubt it. I'm sure you'll end up on some used car lot in Arlington that has a big BIENVENIDOS sign in front of it. It will be like the Island of Misfit Toys, except the lot will be full of abused "luxury" cars. You'll make some minority family happy out there.

Sorry. Love, Me.